New Poem. Making it up as I go so pardon if it sucks.:-P

So many times and so many ways I've had my heart broken and shattered these days.
I've had to pick up the pieces, I've had to start anew, I've given up on finding a love that
is true.
I've put a wall around my heart, a wall around the core; to protect my heart from ever again being sore.
I'm tired of the lies, the half truths and the hate. I've put a wall around my heart  to keep it all away.
If, at any time someone thinks its worth to chip through my wall. I hope they are willing to be in for a long haul for this wall is so high that even Rapunzels prince would fall.

Wondering...

As my twenty sixth birthday quickly approaches and the so called end of the world comes up (Yeah right) I start to wonder...I want to know more then I do right now. I want to go to places, do more things. I want to travel, explore...I have a wander lust to see more then just my little corner of the globe...I have the money to do it now. I can spend a week in New Orleans or a week in California or two weeks In Ireland with a tour group, Go to Tombstone and stay over night...I can do whatever I please but I want someone to share it with. As it is I'm going on a trip to L.A. and the coast in October with my friend Libby to meet my hero. As well as to New Orleans in Late January and then to Disneyland in March with my folks...But when will I be able to have someone, my soul mate, with me on my adventures? Hopefully soon. i pray.

Dear Karma...I freaking love you!!! :-D

Ok...So I was hurt badly a few months ago via a young man who left me for my dearest friend...well he wound up getting his heart smashed in by said friend and now he of course crawled back to me and although I wish to be his friend that is all I want to be ever with him. Yeah we flirt but I don't mean anything by it. Anyway his life is getting shittier by the minute and Karma is hitting him hard core to the point where it's vicious. Although I'm his friend I am secretly grinning ear to ear at how Karma is totally paying him back for what he did to me.
With my religion I truly see how the three fold law is coming into play here. He hurt me really badly and now he was hurt to the extreme and his life is now full of misfortune...He has a few things going for him but not many. As for me I am doing amazing. I have a good job, I'm living on my own, I'm working on really neat projects and writing stories in my spare time...yeah I'm lonely but you know what?It wont be that way forever. I'm talented, attractive and intelligent and someday I will find my match and when I do, he will be the luckiest man in the world.
KARMA, I LOVE YOU!!!!

How Fragile we Really Are and How we can Combat the feeling of fear

Ok So for once I'm going to adress a topic that I've been fighting to not discuss cause of how frightening it is to everyone. Mortality and how it can be shattered in an instant of recklessness or violence. A few nights ago there was a shooting at my apartment complex in the apartment above me. I heard the Shot and it scared the Hell out of me. The ballistics team, the Csi team and the police were there. It made me realize that the bullet could have very well hit me had it been in the house and came through the wall and my life would have ended. it made me realize how very fragile this outer shell is and how important it is to live life to the fullest like every day is the last.
 I've started using egg shells as an art medium. The first egg shell that I'm using is a tiny quail egg and although its delicate and painstaking work it makes me realize that something fragile can be made into a thing of great beauty. my painting is impressionistic at best but it's still beautiful in it's own way. This is how I am coping with the experience I've had. It puts my mind to work and keeps me from becoming a shivering fearful mess.
I handle death in a different way now. I'm calmer about it. A good example of this is how yesterday there was a dead bird in the store front that I was looking at to get some art supplies. I saw it and asked the lady that worked there if I could use some gloves to handle the bird and take it from out of the view of people. She handed me some white gloves and I went out and picked up the poor thing. It had flown into the window and had broken it's neck. I carried it to the nearest trash can and it wound up bleeding on me. I didn't even bat an eyelash at that. Normally a situation like that would have me shuddering but not this time. This time I was calm and collected. Different.  Life has a way of showing you how many layers you have as a human being. This is one of mine. Calm and collected in the face of death. Unafraid.
Well not much else to say on this topic. Although life is fragile it can still be beautiful. Grab it by the horns and enjoy the ride. :-)

Idols, Dreams, and the seeming Futility of Both

Ok so I had a dream last night about an old Idol of mine named Terrance Zdunich. He is a very talented, musical genius who came up with the cult hit Repo: the Genetic Opera and is writing an indie comic book. I had dreams that someday I would meet him and we would wind up falling head over heels for each other...Typical girlish fantasy. :-/ Not something that I'm entirely proud of but meh. My ardour for this man cooled quickly as I started living the "grown up life" Job, Place of my own, etc. But my love for his music and work never did.
 I haven't even thought about this man for MONTHS and then out of the blue, I wound up having a dream about him just last night...It was me somewhere...I don't remember the details but I do remember that he was there, He wound up liking me and embraced me like he knew me, like a man would do a friend or lover...It was so real that I woke up wondering "Did that actually Happen?" But it didn't. The thing is that the dream made me hunger to meet him. I don't have the resources or the time to go and meet this guy. I feel that what is the point of truly having Idols or dreams like this when you don't have any way to achieve or meet them. Realistic dreams like me being an OSGC at my work, Going to school for Criminology and getting my degree, singing at Open Mic nights and getting some recognition...Those are achievable. Having an idol that I will never meet or even reach his level of fame is in my mind totally ridiculous.
Why have these dreams when it will never happen? He will never come to this arsehole of a town and even if he does he would never notice me in the crowd of adoring, gothic, followers...I admire him for his art, his talent and yes I find him attractive but I will not stand out and even if I do his reputation as a bit of a man whore precedes him...So dreams like this need to go away as do my Idolization. He is only human, albeit talented, but human all the same. I have been wanting to get that out for a while. I feel better. :-)

Dunno what to write...

Dunno what to write.... My day was uneventful. Work, bank, work, home. Was planning to go to the store tonight but got lazy. Will probably go tomorow. Hoping that Chris would text but he hasn't ...I have a ballet lesson tomorow. (I think) and kind of am debating on whether to go or not cause I don't really want to see Josh but as Katie is roomates and more then likely in a relationship with him I kind of have to deal with it. I want those god damned pointes. Doubtful that I will be ready for them by my birthday which sucks ass. Ah well...I can buy myself something else...Something even more beautiful and meaningful.
I love being on my own these days. i can do what I please, when I please. It's wonderful...lonely sometimes but all in all great

Confusion...

It's the start of a new romance and I'm scared shitless. I had a "coffee date" with this guy that I totally like that ended in a kiss. He kissed me a second time and went for my chest...wtf...I told him no please don't and he stopped. I don't want to take things too fast. I've been hurt one too many times. Please God don't let him ditch me he's the first guy I've met that I feel genuinely attracted too. But if he leaves then it was never to be. I have to stand by my principles even if it means totally losing him and being alone the rest of my existence. Which I am totally ok with...kinda. As long as I keep my reason and don't get stupid I'll be fine. Reason, Logic, principle...As long as I have those three things in mind. I will have Everything.
Peace